It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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