did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
