You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
