I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
