Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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