i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
