Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
