I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
