He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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