Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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