when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
