I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
