My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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