All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
