For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
