Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
