it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
