My Higher Power is John Stamos
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
