So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
