I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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