Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
