i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize