you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
