He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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