How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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