I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
