I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
