fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
