I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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