Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So vagazzling was a success
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
