so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
