didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
