The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
