I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
