11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My nipple is on Facebook.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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