I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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