My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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