I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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