I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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