he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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