You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
