Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
