I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
