I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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