There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
