Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
