a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
