somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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