whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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