Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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