thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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