Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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