Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
