I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
