The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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