I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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