Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
